[Ozpin is one of those who gets the honor of receiving a personally handwritten letter from Mabel Pines, tucked into his coat pocket to be discovered after she and her brother are already gone back to the sea. And Mabel really has gone all out with this one. His name is emblazoned upon the front of the envelope in glorious sweeping calligraphy, in a dark ink with a metallic sheen that slides across it when it's moved around in the light. It's sealed with wax -- and gods only know where she has located pink wax in Trench -- with the design of a shooting star pressed into it. The envelope itself is fancy, even, thick and sturdy and embossed beautifully along the edges.
Predictably, when Ozpin opens it, it violently explodes glitter all over him.
The glitter is pink and blue, so you know Dipper played a part in this one. But the letter itself is in Mabel's hand, so there was a clear ringleader here.]
Hello, Fellow Vile Vampire (I am the hot one by the way):
By now you know my brobro and I have gone back to the ocean. I'm not really worried about us. So long as we have each other, we'll be fine, and there's not one but TWO whole Grunkle Stans out there too, and at least one of them is sure to find us. If we make it back we'll probably have a whole shipload of sunken treasure with us and be set for life. For us, it'll be the next big adventure, and even though it's not like we want to go I'm confident we can make the best of it.
The problem is that this means Grunkle Ford's getting left all alone, which super sucks. I mean, Fiddleford McGucket's here these days, and he's from our world. Actually I think he'd get along great with the people from your world because he's super great at building giant robots with lasers and stuff. The problem is that him and Grunkle Ford were college roommates or labmates or something, I don't know if it matters which when they're both the sort of people who live in the lab actually, and Mr. McGucket's from closer to THAT time and Grunkle Ford obviously is from after he ran off for thirty years and got old. So it's a little awkward, and let's be real, Grunkle Ford's not really great at navigating stuff like that.
So, in light of your Sordid History, I want to make one thing SUPER clear to you:
I am not asking you to comfort Grunkle Ford in his upcoming time of need. In fact, if you aren't able to do that for real, and I mean really really really really REALLY REALLY REALLY R E A L, I'm asking you NOT to.
See, here's the thing. I'm not gonna tell you why exactly Grunkle Ford is the way he is because that's super not your business. All you need to know is that as mentioned Grunkle Ford was off running around for thirty years, and he was doing that WITHOUT his family. And, I mean, you know what we're like. Especially when you're twins. Running around for thirty years without your twin is like the emotional equivalent of being stuck in an unending giant hamster ball without ever getting to take a break to make tunnels in your wood chips or enjoy some crisp, fresh lettuce. It makes you a sad and poorly socialized hamster and between you and me when we first got him back he was like SUPER cranky and we could barely get him out of his lab.
But now he knows what it's like to be a happy hamster, so he can't ever go back to the ball and pretend he's okay. But without the rest of us Pines, there's nobody there to give him nice wood chips and lettuce. And he's not gonna know what to do about that, you know? Grunkle Ford is but a lonely and weird little hamster, and like all the beautiful creatures of all the worlds, it won't surprise me at all if being sad makes him kind of destructive and he starts living in the lab again which in this metaphor is like being stuck in a cage that's too small and chewing on the wire bars to try and console yourself. He will not know where to find his own fresh lettuce because you don't learn that kind of thing when you're stuck in a hamster ball for thirty years and it takes longer than a couple years in weird hell dimensions to figure that stuff out.
When you've got a hamster like that, you have to be super good to that hamster. You have to be the kind of person who's willing to build a beautiful hamster playground with all kinds of tunnels and little bridges and interesting places for him to scurry, and you have to be super patient if he hides in corners whenever you come around because it's gonna take a while to prove to him that he's safe and you aren't some hawk that's going to eat him bones and all, and you've got to make sure he's got good stuff to eat and drink every day.
THIS IS NOT A SMALL OR INSIGNIFICANT UNDERTAKING!! Not everybody has what it takes to really commit themselves to senior hamster rehabilitation, and that's fine.
But if that's not you, leave him alone, and let him find somebody who does. Don't think you can huck him in a cage that's too small and leave him all alone with wilty lettuce for days at a time and be like oh, that's enough, he's not starving or getting eaten by hawks or anything. You gotta be there and keep showing up and going ALL the way again and again, or Grunkle Ford is never going to be a happy hamster, and that's not fair to him even a little bit. And it'll be hard, because Grunkle Ford might THINK he is good with going back in the hamster ball, because that's what he knows, you know? When we're upset we all like familiar stuff best. But "familiar" doesn't mean "good", even if you came out of the familiar stuff okay.
So if, when we're gone, he looks at you and sees a giant green hamster ball and you're not willing to become a glorious hamster playground full of fresh lettuce instead, it's your responsibility to be a better vampire and not let him hide in you when he could totally do way better. I don't know if you have noticed this but Grunkle Ford is pretty good-looking for being older than dirt. All he has to do is find somebody who will listen in rapt attention while he rambles about nerd stuff for hours and he will be good to go.
If we start thinking things are going funky for him because of you, we WILL come back and do squid crimes.
No love until you've earned it, buster, Mabel Pines
End of August
Predictably, when Ozpin opens it, it violently explodes glitter all over him.
The glitter is pink and blue, so you know Dipper played a part in this one. But the letter itself is in Mabel's hand, so there was a clear ringleader here.]
Hello, Fellow Vile Vampire (I am the hot one by the way):
By now you know my brobro and I have gone back to the ocean. I'm not really worried about us. So long as we have each other, we'll be fine, and there's not one but TWO whole Grunkle Stans out there too, and at least one of them is sure to find us. If we make it back we'll probably have a whole shipload of sunken treasure with us and be set for life. For us, it'll be the next big adventure, and even though it's not like we want to go I'm confident we can make the best of it.
The problem is that this means Grunkle Ford's getting left all alone, which super sucks. I mean, Fiddleford McGucket's here these days, and he's from our world. Actually I think he'd get along great with the people from your world because he's super great at building giant robots with lasers and stuff. The problem is that him and Grunkle Ford were college roommates or labmates or something, I don't know if it matters which when they're both the sort of people who live in the lab actually, and Mr. McGucket's from closer to THAT time and Grunkle Ford obviously is from after he ran off for thirty years and got old. So it's a little awkward, and let's be real, Grunkle Ford's not really great at navigating stuff like that.
So, in light of your Sordid History, I want to make one thing SUPER clear to you:
I am not asking you to comfort Grunkle Ford in his upcoming time of need. In fact, if you aren't able to do that for real, and I mean really really really really REALLY REALLY REALLY R E A L, I'm asking you NOT to.
See, here's the thing. I'm not gonna tell you why exactly Grunkle Ford is the way he is because that's super not your business. All you need to know is that as mentioned Grunkle Ford was off running around for thirty years, and he was doing that WITHOUT his family. And, I mean, you know what we're like. Especially when you're twins. Running around for thirty years without your twin is like the emotional equivalent of being stuck in an unending giant hamster ball without ever getting to take a break to make tunnels in your wood chips or enjoy some crisp, fresh lettuce. It makes you a sad and poorly socialized hamster and between you and me when we first got him back he was like SUPER cranky and we could barely get him out of his lab.
But now he knows what it's like to be a happy hamster, so he can't ever go back to the ball and pretend he's okay. But without the rest of us Pines, there's nobody there to give him nice wood chips and lettuce. And he's not gonna know what to do about that, you know? Grunkle Ford is but a lonely and weird little hamster, and like all the beautiful creatures of all the worlds, it won't surprise me at all if being sad makes him kind of destructive and he starts living in the lab again which in this metaphor is like being stuck in a cage that's too small and chewing on the wire bars to try and console yourself. He will not know where to find his own fresh lettuce because you don't learn that kind of thing when you're stuck in a hamster ball for thirty years and it takes longer than a couple years in weird hell dimensions to figure that stuff out.
When you've got a hamster like that, you have to be super good to that hamster. You have to be the kind of person who's willing to build a beautiful hamster playground with all kinds of tunnels and little bridges and interesting places for him to scurry, and you have to be super patient if he hides in corners whenever you come around because it's gonna take a while to prove to him that he's safe and you aren't some hawk that's going to eat him bones and all, and you've got to make sure he's got good stuff to eat and drink every day.
THIS IS NOT A SMALL OR INSIGNIFICANT UNDERTAKING!! Not everybody has what it takes to really commit themselves to senior hamster rehabilitation, and that's fine.
But if that's not you, leave him alone, and let him find somebody who does. Don't think you can huck him in a cage that's too small and leave him all alone with wilty lettuce for days at a time and be like oh, that's enough, he's not starving or getting eaten by hawks or anything. You gotta be there and keep showing up and going ALL the way again and again, or Grunkle Ford is never going to be a happy hamster, and that's not fair to him even a little bit. And it'll be hard, because Grunkle Ford might THINK he is good with going back in the hamster ball, because that's what he knows, you know? When we're upset we all like familiar stuff best. But "familiar" doesn't mean "good", even if you came out of the familiar stuff okay.
So if, when we're gone, he looks at you and sees a giant green hamster ball and you're not willing to become a glorious hamster playground full of fresh lettuce instead, it's your responsibility to be a better vampire and not let him hide in you when he could totally do way better. I don't know if you have noticed this but Grunkle Ford is pretty good-looking for being older than dirt. All he has to do is find somebody who will listen in rapt attention while he rambles about nerd stuff for hours and he will be good to go.
If we start thinking things are going funky for him because of you, we WILL come back and do squid crimes.
No love until you've earned it, buster,
Mabel Pines